this post was written while i was in thailand and was finished today in appleton, wisconsin. i wish i would have finished and published it while it was still fresh; at the same time, i am grateful that i get to reflect and remember the brilliance of my time there.

Sawathekah! (hello in Thai.)

i am in chiang rai, thailand. what a blessing it has been.
many individuals have asked, "why are you going to Thailand?" or "why are you here in Thailand?"
with a huge grin on my face i respond, "it is my trust trip with Jesus."
their faces intensify as curiosity tries its best to ignore the question itching on their tongues. the brave souls eventually ask.
"okay... but what is that?"

i tried to think of a fitting illustration when it comes to defining a trust trip with Jesus...
a trust trip is when you realize you have just agreed to pay a motorbike driver to chauffeur you to your next destination but then dreadfully realize you are wearing a skirt. you have never side saddled a motorbike but you think why not... today will be the day. 
you could back out but you will never know what you could have plunged into. 
yes i am talking from personal experience.
...but i don't think this illustration does full justice.


so here is my definition.
a trust trip with Jesus- hearing God beckon "come" and then choosing to respond to the invitation. when you start, smack dab in the middle, and when you look back at the end of the journey you realize the only truth you were certain of the whole time was Jesus is my companion. 
He is most assuredly a faithful companion.

riding on the back of a motorbike i started to think about genesis.
it says in genesis 1:3, "And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light."
God used His voice to create. His voice is obviously important.
He is still speaking today. His Word is living and active.
i believe one of the greatest privileges in our lives is to be able to talk with the Creator of the Universe. 
this is how it all started back in january. as soon as i knew i would not be staffing the discipleship training school i embraced God's promise to me. i believe He spoke to me, "hailley i have something better in store for you." so of course i eagerly asked God what i should do in those next three months before returning to wisconsin.
He responded, "you can go to Thailand." i was writing in my journal as these words fell onto the paper. often this is how God communicates to me... through my writing. 
as soon as He told me, as soon as He invited me i knew it would be close to impossible to decline. it seemed fear would be the only thing keeping me from RSVPing with an eager, "yes!"
God assured me that i would be safe, that He would provide, that He would be my companion, that i would have stories to tell.
He certainly fulfilled all of what He spoke to me.
each day i was in thailand i meditated on a truth. one day the truth was, "i am not alone." there have only been a couple of times in my life where i have felt God's presence so close, so near. never before have i felt His presence so close, so near for 18 days straight.

i hope, i pray, actually i can even say i expect there are more trust trips to come. when He beckons, the Creator of the Universe, how can i say, "no" to what He has orchestrated for me. i am choosing to live a life of freedom. i am choosing to ride on the back of many more motorbikes. i want to feel the air temperature fluctuate from cool to warm, to feel a firm breeze against my cheek, and to see vivid green surrounding me making my eyes sparkle with ecstasy bringing forth my childlike wonder many more times.

safety. protection. knowing you have a home.
my heart longs for this.
your heart longs for this.

i wrote this poem using the pronoun "he."
it was for a guy i met some days after i wrote it. it was so perfect. so God.
the poem of course also ministered to my heart and i felt led to share.

the color of his pale blue eyes long for peace
cheeks flush as his tears start to increase
reminiscing on the comfort of his sight
his mind building towers showing what is right
he thinks shelter comes in the form of walls
crumbling.
he grovels as he crawls.
security finds no space in his mind
furious thoughts, what did i leave behind...
He replied, "what was worthy to be found
in My heart I see you as royalty crowned
your permanent residence is with Me
rise up son. home is to know you are free."

i have missed writing.
i have been through a season when the pen has found its residence in my bag, on the floor, in a jar, but rarely in my hand.

then i wrote this poem below inspired by a phrase a dear friend shared with me.

as soon as the words rolled off her tongue they spilled with excitement into my heart.

sitting on a chartreuse chair in my room my heart found comfort as the pen found itself embraced by strength and peace.

her body was not just right
her eyes limited her sight
her breath unstable and short
her thoughts too complex to sort
her legs were feeble and weak
constantly something to tweak

He thought she's the one I choose
Her weaknesses i will use
Each step will cause her to praise
A victory consists of days
She doubts conquering unknowns
Body and mind utter groans
Then He says, "Look at her heart
Everything is there to start
The unreachable she will see
Revealed by her heart of purity."

i grew up sitting at the grown up's table. i was always intrigued by the conversation and even at age seven, eight, or nine found it more worth my time to be distracted by big words versus being distracted by the loud obnoxious yelling coming from a friend, my sister, or a cousin. i did allow my imagination to explore in more simple settings but what i really craved was an intellectual conversation that made me feel important just by participating in it.

now lets fast forward to the present day... an event that occurred last night to be more specific.

upon removing my finger nail polish i knew i was in for a treat. my five year old cousin wanted to upgrade my nails. i smirked as she grasped the nail polish brush ever so tightly. i had requested her to use yellow but she responded with, "Lets make your hand a rainbow." granted we only got to two nails before she was preoccupied with beautifying my hair. however, i cannot help but smile with contentment when looking at my right hand. the finger nail polish is smeared on my skin and there are obvious gaps where the brush accidentally missed. she only needed to stroke the nail once to be completely satisfied with her work.

so as i was sitting in my cousin's perfectly pink princess room last night i wanted to giggle to myself. the first thought that popped into my mind was, "i am being beautified by simplicity." i love how my cousin brought me into her world. all that was on her mind was exemplifying my beauty. her mind was on the moment and she wanted to love in a most pure, unhindered way. 

as all of these memories, thoughts, and giggles were coming together i realized in the past week i have been receiving so many blessings as i have been simply surrendering.

i want God to be the one who controls my life. now i might not always feel like is what i want but at the core of my being this is what i cry out for.

when i allow God to control i am put in a place where i have to trust that He will provide.

i have to trust in His love.

i have to trust in the words that He has spoken to and over me.

so this is the truth.

simply...

i am His daughter.

He is my provider.

He is obsessed with my needs.

i am loved unconditionally by Him.

although i still appreciate intellectual conversations today i find myself thirsting for moments of getting my nails painted, sitting in a setting where i cannot help but think i am a princess as the pink envelopes me, and hearing God call me "Daughter." i want to be saturated in His truth that i know i often times find myself overanalyzing and mulling over until it gets dull. i want His sharp truth to pierce me. may my heart and mind be beautified by simplicity. 

destiny. a poem which was discovered woven into my heart.

a shelter with no walls and no roof

His grace flowing, building strength and truth

a colorful expanse of land beckoning "come"

immediately my heart knows this is where i'm from

His arms reach down and His hands open wide

freedom brushes my cheek as though i have flied

His heart echoes eternal love in never ending stomping ground

resting in intimacy, dignified, knowing i have been found

"for God is my witness, how I yearn for you all with the affection of Christ Jesus."
philippians 1:8


paul wrote these words to the body of believers in philippi. i read this and feel provoked and stirred to love with the affection of Christ Jesus. 


so God what does this mean to love with the affection of Jesus Christ? how can i go deeper than just merely scratching the surface? what does it practically look like? what do you want to prompt me to do with this verse?


within the past couple of months i have discovered the answer.


TIME.


i sat with a dear friend of mine some weeks ago for over three hours. we spent TIME together. we spoke value into each other's lives as we chose to sit, listen, ask questions, discover, and encourage. we walked away both feeling and knowing this time would not be forgotten and considered a precious moment of our summers. she was touched by my willingness to spend time with her even with my busy schedule and even more because she is double my age. i was touched by her heart, wisdom, and many stories.


when i was in india i chose to sit with a man by the name of Raj. he had lost his legs from the knees down and he was sitting on a tarp with a money cup in front of him. i asked questions. i listened to him talk about his life. i shared with him glimpses of who Jesus is. i prayed for him at the end. 
he made a comment towards the end of the conversation that struck me.
"it really means something when people choose to spend time with me. it is easy for people to stop for a couple of seconds, drop some coins in a cup, and then leave. i really appreciate the people who take time."


Jesus walked.
He took time.
i don't want to lose an opportunity to spread the affection of Jesus Christ.


as i talked to my mom today she used a perfect phrase. "God is answering my prayers. He is opening my eyes." she said this after seeing a veteran on the side of the road and feeling prompted to just go sit and hear his story.


when our attention, our focus is drawn to the individuals around us and not to our watches we have the opportunity to see and the ability to love in extravagant ways. 


we have been empowered by and through God to live like this.


to see.
to take the time.
to listen.
to love with Christ's affection.


to summarize i will end with a quote from the novel/movie "extremely loud and incredibly close."
oskar (the protaganist) stumbles upon this realization as he searches for the treasure his father left behind.


"But it wasn't working... because people aren't like numbers. They're more like letters... and those letters want to become stories... and dad said that stories need to be shared."

a testimony of seeing the potential in each and every one of His children in India. 

i traveled to india from the middle of march to the middle of may co-leading a YWAM team from norway.


our team prayed beforehand and we all thought we would work with children ministries while being in this nation of colors, smiles, and fragrances.


it happened. the first month we were in new delhi we worked with wild, crazy, and beautiful children.


the first place we did ministry was at the treasure house. it is a place where slum children go to be fed, taught, and ultimately loved.


the second week we were at the treasure house our team decided to do a different kind of program than usual. (normally we would play games, tell bible stories, or do crafts.)

we decided to focus on identity, worth, and speaking truth over the children. 

a couple of us from the team shared our testimonies about our identities.

then we had the children come up one by one (there were a dozen children there that day) and look at themselves in a mirror. 

we called out their names and then one person from the team encouraged them. each team member encouraged two children. we had prayed beforehand and asked God what He thought about each one of them. 

we had no idea how they would respond but we were amazed at the work God did in that half an hour. 

some children looked at themselves with such confidence i don’t think they’ve ever seen in themselves.

some could not stop smiling.

one little girl shed tears. as i spoke about her heart of compassion and how she is like a beautiful purple flower tears rolled down her cheeks.

we were able to be vessels in pouring out God’s truth and moving one step closer in our desire for the people of North India to believe that they are loved and valued by God.

may the truth of these words set them free. they are royalty.

they have a destiny.